Defiance (It’s NOT What You Think)
You make a minor request of your child, something small.
But, instead of cooperation, what do you get?
Attitude.
Arguments.
Defiance.
- Maybe your toddler falls on the floor, screaming when you ask her to put her shoes on.
- Or your preschooler screams, “NO!” when it’s time to clean up.
- Or your grade-schooler ignores you, or refuses to come to dinner, after playing video games.
- Or your teenager procrastinates, or rolls their eyes and gives you attitude, about doing chores or starting homework.
It looks like defiance, right?
It looks like a child intentionally being difficult.
It looks like a child who is spoiled, who won’t listen, or who HAS to get her way.
It looks like that. But that’s NOT it.
What is actually going on??
- Defiance is often simply a kid who is struggling with transitions.
It’s true.
Transitions are what we call when we go from one activity to the next.
Getting out of bed. Putting on clothes. Getting in the car. Brushing teeth. Starting homework.
These may sound minor, like things we do every day.
But to the brain, these count as transitions.
It turns out transitions are challenging for the brain.
This is true for adults AND children.
But for some kids, because of how their brain works, transitions are so hard, they become MAJOR POWER STRUGGLES.
Why are transitions so challenging?
Transitions are challenging because:
- They require extra brain power
- They can trigger the fear parts of our brain
- The fear part of our brain makes us rigid and inflexible
So what works?
What cures
defiance?
What creates cooperation?
Connection. Connection is the secret sauce!!
- When we connect with kids first, before the transition, defiance can melt away.
What does connection look like?
We slow down.
We stop what we're doing.
We put our phone down.
We go to our child.
We get down, if they’re small.
We smile.
We make eye contact.
We chat.
We are playful, or warm, or caring.
We talk about what’s coming next.
We validate any feelings, even negative feelings.
Why does this work?
- Connection is the magic sauce.
- Connection shuts down the fear centers of the brain
- Connection puts the cooperation parts of the brain back online
Is connection easy? Not always.
Is connection effective. Yes!
Want support stopping defiance in your home?
I’d love to help.
Schedule a call, and we can discuss what is creating defiance in your home, and how to stop it.
I’ll share what will create more peace and cooperation.
I look forward to connecting with you.
Yours in peace and harmony,
Ceara
A compassionate look at the moments when a parent loves their child deeply but still feels a quiet distance--and the longing to find connection again.
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