Repairing a broken parent-child relationship
When I met Tom last year after his divorce and his ex’s remarriage to someone who was determined to “erase” Tom from his son’s life, things were so bad, he hadn’t spoken to his son in more than a year, and hadn’t seen his son for much longer than that.
Tom longed to fix the relationship with his son, but he was filled with self-doubt whether he would be successful.
Was it too late? Would he even know what to say to his son? What if his son was angry? What if he had questions Tom didn’t know how to answer?
Tom created a plan to reconnect with his son. He got a lawyer to help with the structure. Meanwhile, he and I worked on making a plan.
First we needed to relieve some of the tremendous pressure Tom was feeling to get everything “right."
- Feeling like he needed to “do everything perfectly,” was preventing him from actually being in the moment
- He could relax and be himself with his son when he stopped pressuring himself to be “Dad of the year” every moment
- His son didn’t need everything to be perfect. He just needed his dad to show up authentically.
Instead of trying so hard to force it, Tom could be himself. He could be authentic.
When things felt awkward, Tom acknowledged it. When his son asked questions, Tom shared how difficult the situation was for everyone. When his son was angry, Tom told his son his feelings were valid.
Now, Tom and his son connect multiple times a week by phone. They have special weekends where Tom flies out to see his son, and eventually his son will fly to see Tom.
They have gone from having no contact to a connected, authentic, loving relationship.
Sometimes it’s still challenging or awkward. Sometimes Tom wonders what to say to his son on the phone.
But that’s what parenting is like. We don’t have to be perfect, but we do have to show up with honesty.
The most important thing is that Tom is allowing himself to relax a little more, enjoy the ride, and he never, ever gave up on the dream of a connection with his son.
I f you are the parent of a highly sensitive or strong-willed kid, stuck in constant power struggles, meltdowns, or angry outbursts, I’d like to share something with you. This is my method how I transform families. I’d like to share exactly how I take families from constant power struggles and meltdowns, to peace, harmony and connection . In only 12 weeks. Working one-on-one with parents. Via weekly Zoom calls. Here is What I Do: Step #1 : We transform your listening, so your child learns how to listen more respectfully to you, too. Step #2 : We strengthen self-empathy & self-compassion, so you feel connected, confident, and joyful as a parent. Step #3 : We stop patterns leading to big explosions and dysregulation. This means your child has fewer meltdowns, and you can actually enjoy your child, and stop walking on eggshells. Step #4 : We teach you how to set boundaries peacefully, so your child behaves better, listens more, and argues less. Step #5 : We stop sibling fighting, so your children get along better, and you don’t need to constantly referee fights. Step #6 : We focus on communicating differently, so your kid is more open to feedback and correction, and less likely to shut down, lash out, or become defensive. Step #7 : We learn how sensory challenges and your child’s high sensitivity might be creating challenging behaviors--so we can make life easier for you both. Step #8 : We get you and your partner on the same page, so you can stop disagreeing about parenting and start supporting one another. Step #9 : We celebrate your child’s unique personality, so you can enjoy your child, and stop feeling stressed, anxious or fearful about their future. Step #10 : We focus on your needs as a parent, so you feel less stressed, more calm, and joyful. So then what? What happens next? How will you feel? First, you will feel calmer. More confident. You’ll enjoy your child more. You’ll see your child in a more positive, hopeful way. You’ll connect better. Your child will listen more. Behave better. Have fewer meltdowns or big emotional explosions. You’ll notice your child using words to express their emotions and needs in healthier ways. You and your child will both feel less reactive, less bothered by little issues, and more able to find joy and connection. If you have a partner, the two of you will feel more like a supportive parenting team, and less likely to feel criticized, blamed, or judged for your parenting. You’ll have a shared vision and goal in parenting, and understand how to support each other better. You’ll feel more confident setting peaceful limits, and your children will be better able to hear you say no and tolerate the feelings that come with that. You will be able to go places that you might not have taken your child in the past, for fear of what might happen. If you have multiple children, they will fight less, get along better, and learn how to handle conflict between themselves more. If you are highly sensitive, you will better understand how to support your own needs as a parent, so you are less likely to feel overwhelmed and overstimulated, and more likely to feel energized and at peace. If your child is highly sensitive, you’ll better understand how to create a life that supports your child’s unique needs, and know how to make life function better for everyone. ******* If you are ready for support with your highly sensitive or strong-willed child’s big emotions or power struggles, you don’t have to do this alone. Let’s chat, and I can share more about how I can help create harmony. Schedule a free call with me today.
Many common challenges parents face with children misbehaving or being oppositional are actually signs of hidden sensory issues. This includes challenges like meltdowns, picky eating, hyperactivity, and resistance to hygiene—these can all be signs of hidden sensory issues. Discover practical ways parents can support their child’s sensory needs with empathy and simple accommodations.
Discover 5 common struggles empath parents face and how to turn your deep sensitivity into your greatest parenting strength. Includes a free support call offer.
These are the parenting ideas that help me to show up when life is messy. I call them my parenting mantras. How did I come up with these?
They arise from my experience as a mom for 16 years; my experience helping parents create peace and connection as a parent coach for 8 years; and my experience helping parents of NICU babies handle new parenthood and a child’s health crisis as a pediatrician in the NICU for 20 years.
These mantras that have helped me through my own struggles, and I think they can help you as you navigate parenting struggles, and seek to create a more peaceful, connected home as well.
Sometimes in our most stressful parenting moments, we can feel like we are not on the same page with our partner, or even that we are on opposing teams. This can happen because we have different parenting styles which can become more accentuated when a child is highly sensitive, or has big emotional reactions. Sometimes what appears to be a parenting challenge is actually a relationship challenge instead. Here are some common dynamics I see that are actually relationship challenges disguised as a parenting challenge.
Does your strong-willed or highly sensitive child meltdown with anything unexpected, refuse to get dressed, or lash out when you say “no”? Despite what it seems, they’re not trying to give you a hard time. They’re just HAVING a hard time. Many highly sensitive children struggle with their behavior in ways that looks like defiance and resistance, but it’s actually fear, anxiety and emotional overwhelm. By understanding this, we can find better solutions that help our kids to cooperate and have better behavior.
You make a small request of your strong-willed or highly sensitive child, and you get defiance, arguments, and power struggles. What’s going on? It’s NOT what you think. Many kids who look defiant are actually kids struggling to transitions to a new activity. Transitions are challenging for everyone, but for some children, because of their brain wiring, transitions are more challenging, creating major power struggles. Here’s what cures defiance.
For highly sensitive children especially, punishments often backfire, making behavior and your relationship worse than ever. How can we discipline highly sensitive children in effective ways that are based on trust, learning, and maintaining a close, connected relationship with their parents? We want to avoid punishments, and instead set boundaries with empathy and kindness, practice collaborative problem-solving, and do emotion coaching.
Do you have an argumentative or defiant kid? Many of the families I coach do.
If you have an argumentative child who needs to be in control, who is resistant and defiant with even small requests, who refuses to go outside his comfort zone, or who struggles with disappointment or embarrassment, this explains why your child is so challenging, and how to help them be more flexible and cooperative.
Overstimulation happens when the amount of sensory input is too much, leading to feelings of exhaustion, overwhelm, or emotional shut down. These symptoms are more likely in highly sensitive children and parents, who are more affected by sensory inputs. How can we help avoid and manage feelings of overstimulation? How can we help our children who struggle with overstimulation?
