Repairing a broken parent-child relationship
When I met Tom last year after his divorce and his ex’s remarriage to someone who was determined to “erase” Tom from his son’s life, things were so bad, he hadn’t spoken to his son in more than a year, and hadn’t seen his son for much longer than that.
Tom longed to fix the relationship with his son, but he was filled with self-doubt whether he would be successful.
Was it too late? Would he even know what to say to his son? What if his son was angry? What if he had questions Tom didn’t know how to answer?
Tom created a plan to reconnect with his son. He got a lawyer to help with the structure. Meanwhile, he and I worked on making a plan.
First we needed to relieve some of the tremendous pressure Tom was feeling to get everything “right."
- Feeling like he needed to “do everything perfectly,” was preventing him from actually being in the moment
- He could relax and be himself with his son when he stopped pressuring himself to be “Dad of the year” every moment
- His son didn’t need everything to be perfect. He just needed his dad to show up authentically.
Instead of trying so hard to force it, Tom could be himself. He could be authentic.
When things felt awkward, Tom acknowledged it. When his son asked questions, Tom shared how difficult the situation was for everyone. When his son was angry, Tom told his son his feelings were valid.
Now, Tom and his son connect multiple times a week by phone. They have special weekends where Tom flies out to see his son, and eventually his son will fly to see Tom.
They have gone from having no contact to a connected, authentic, loving relationship.
Sometimes it’s still challenging or awkward. Sometimes Tom wonders what to say to his son on the phone.
But that’s what parenting is like. We don’t have to be perfect, but we do have to show up with honesty.
The most important thing is that Tom is allowing himself to relax a little more, enjoy the ride, and he never, ever gave up on the dream of a connection with his son.
You make a small request of your strong-willed or highly sensitive child, and you get defiance, arguments, and power struggles. What’s going on? It’s NOT what you think. Many kids who look defiant are actually kids struggling to transitions to a new activity. Transitions are challenging for everyone, but for some children, because of their brain wiring, transitions are more challenging, creating major power struggles. Here’s what cures defiance.
For highly sensitive children especially, punishments often backfire, making behavior and your relationship worse than ever. How can we discipline highly sensitive children in effective ways that are based on trust, learning, and maintaining a close, connected relationship with their parents? We want to avoid punishments, and instead set boundaries with empathy and kindness, practice collaborative problem-solving, and do emotion coaching.
Do you have an argumentative or defiant kid? Many of the families I coach do.
If you have an argumentative child who needs to be in control, who is resistant and defiant with even small requests, who refuses to go outside his comfort zone, or who struggles with disappointment or embarrassment, this explains why your child is so challenging, and how to help them be more flexible and cooperative.
Overstimulation happens when the amount of sensory input is too much, leading to feelings of exhaustion, overwhelm, or emotional shut down. These symptoms are more likely in highly sensitive children and parents, who are more affected by sensory inputs. How can we help avoid and manage feelings of overstimulation? How can we help our children who struggle with overstimulation?
Feel like you’re running on empty as a parent? Like nothing you try with your child ever works? Like you’re chronically frustrated and exhausted? Like you can’t feel joy as a parent?
It’s very possible you are suffering from parenting burnout. And you’re not alone.
Many parents of sensitive children struggle with parenting burnout. Here’s what burnout is and how to heal it.
Does your child feels everythin g more intensely than other kids? If this sounds like your child, you’re not alone. Kids who are highly sensitive experience everything more deeply. This trait, sensory processing sensitivity, is present in 15-20% of children. If this sounds like your child, they likely have bigger feelings than other children, which can cause power struggles and meltdowns. How do you know if your child is highly sensitive? Here is a checklist with 10 common signs a child might be highly sensitive. 1.) Strong Reactions to Sensory Stimuli Does your child struggle with loud noises, bright lights, or scratchy fabrics more than other kids? 2.) Deep Emotional Responses Does your child cry more easily or feel big emotions like sadness, anger, or joy more intensely than other kids? 3.) Overwhelm in Crowds or Busy Places Does your child gets anxious or overstimulated in crowded areas like malls or parties? 4.) Takes Criticism Deeply Does your child get deeply affected by a simple correction or criticism? 5.) Empathy for Others Does your child often pick up on other people's emotions and feel them deeply? 6.) Struggles with Change Does your child struggle with new situations or transitions, like starting a new school? 7.) Needs Alone Time to Recharge Does your child need quiet time alone to decompress and feel calm after a busy day? 8.) Notice Small Details Does your child often pick up little things others might miss, like a slight change in your mood or a small decoration in a room? 9.) Perfectionism Does your child have high standards for themselves and others, and get frustrated if things don’t go perfectly? 10.) Intense Focus Does your child have a tendency to get fully absorbed and focus deeply on a task or subject? Do any of these sound like your child? Do all of them sound like your child? High sensitivity is a strength. But it can also cause challenges, especially when children need more support, or they don’t yet have the skills they need to navigate challenges. If your child is struggling right now, I’d love to help your family create more peace and harmony. You can schedule a call with me using the scheduling link above, and I can help with specific advice for your child and your family.
Some kids are quieter, and share less with their parents. These kids can be a challenge, since they don’t share their feelings easily. Parents can wonder what’s going on for their child, and it can be very challenging when a child is upset, but won’t share what’s going on for them.
Both ways of communication, kids who talk more and tend to “think out loud,” as well as quieter kids who tend to think before speaking--are normal and healthy.
Do you struggle to get your highly sensitive child to go places? The store, a walk outside, a party, or even school, and your child just does not want to go? You are not alone. Here I explain why this happens, and how parents can best respond. I explain the best way to help kids go places, even when they don’t want to.
As parents, it can be very unsettling when children lie to us. While lying is a very normal part of childhood development, there are reasons that highly sensitive children may be more prone to lying. And so we want to look underneath the behavior to better understand why they are struggling to tell the truth. Also, how we respond will make a difference as to whether our child is able to tell the truth in the future.
Have you ever thought, “If only my partner would parent differently, life would be so much easier?” You’re not alone. Parenting differences are incredibly common--and incredibly frustrating. Especially when raising a highly sensitive child. The good news? You don’t have to agree on everything to be an amazing team. Instead of trying to change your partner, try these three strategies to create more harmony: 1️⃣ Get Curious, Not Combative Instead of reacting with frustration, try asking, “Help me understand what's most important to you in this situation?” Your partner has a good reason for what they do as a parent. When we assume good intentions, and seek to understand, we are more likely to get good will and openness in return. Most parenting comes from a place of deep love. When we understand our partner’s heart and thinking, we are more likely to find areas of common ground. 2️⃣ Appreciate the Balance Parenting differences can actually benefit children! Parenting differences can be complementary. Different perspectives makes the family system stronger. Think of the differences like having different types of tools in a toolbox, rather than having a hammer only. With diverse tools, you can fix more things than if you only had a hammer. 3️⃣ Lead by Example The best way to influence your partner’s parenting? Show, don’t tell. When one parent can stay calm during a meltdown, or hold a peaceful boundary—the other partner is way more likely to adopt what works. When children respond positively, your partner will be noticing. Leading by example is incredibly powerful. ****************** Would you love to be on the same parenting page with your partner or coparent? Would you love a more peaceful, connected home? Let’s talk. Together, I’d love to help you and/or your partner break patterns that aren’t serving you and your family. Maybe you’d like to be better at staying calm and not losing your temper. Maybe your partner wants to do this. Maybe you’re fighting with your kids over every little thing. Maybe your preschooler only wants one parent, and you’re not sure how to change this pattern. Whatever the challenge is, I’d love to help create a more peaceful home for you and your family.
