Why I Don't Use Punishments

I had jury duty yesterday.  It gave me time to think about punishments.  And why I’ve chosen NOT to use them. 

The thing about punishments is: they seem to “work.”

Especially short term, I won’t do a behavior if I am going to be punished. Particularly if you are watching. 

But our goals for our children are more than just SHORT TERM COMPLIANCE.  

We want them to internalize our deepest values, develop independent judment and make thoughtful decisions, even when we are not watching. 

And teaching that requires a RELATIONSHIP with TRUST and CONNECTION.  

And punishments actually errode trust and connection and relationship.

Punishment may meet our short term goal of getting our child not to hit his brother, but it errodes the long term goals of our child internalizing WHY hitting is wrong—which happens in relationship.  

Here’s an example:

If I get a speeding ticket, the following may happen:

—I will feel temporarily annoyed

—I will believe I was treated unjustly, thinking of other drivers who were going faster who didn’t get tickets

—I may become distrustful and fearful of cops, and I will drive slower when I see one

—I will drive slower for a period of time, but eventually forget and then I will go back to speeding

On the other hand, if a cop uses this as a teachable moment about the dangers of speeding, the following may happen:

—I may see images of terrible car accidents and understand better why driving slower is safer

—I may feel empathy for the children who were victims of speeding cars, imagining the pain their families feel

—I may imagine how horrible I would feel if I hit an innocent victim while speeding

—My relationship with cops may remain more trusting 

Real learning is complicated. It’s not just avoiding a punishment while you are being watched.

And punishments don’t actually help with that. They hinder it.