Why Some Kids Hate Being Told What to Do (It’s Not Defiance)
Ceara Deno, MD • January 5, 2026
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Why Some Kids Hate Being Told What To Do (And What It’s Really About)
If you have a child who immediately pushes back when you tell them what to do—even kindly—you’re not imagining it.
And no, it’s not because you’re doing it wrong.
Many parents come to me confused and exhausted by daily power struggles. They’ve tried being firm. They’ve tried being gentle. And yet, even the smallest request can spark resistance, arguing, meltdowns, or complete shutdown.
What’s going on?
It’s Not Defiance—It’s Autonomy
Some kids experience being told what to do as a loss of autonomy, not guidance.
For children with sensitive or highly reactive nervous systems, loss of control can feel like a threat. Their body reacts before their thinking brain has a chance to weigh in.
So when you say:
“Put your shoes on,”
Their nervous system hears:
“I’m not in charge of myself. I’m not safe.”
And when that happens, their body does what bodies are designed to do when they feel unsafe:
It tries to regain control.
Cue resistance.
Cue arguing.
Cue meltdowns or withdrawal.
This isn’t willful misbehavior.
It’s a nervous system trying to restore safety.
Why Power Struggles Escalate So Fast
Here’s the part that makes parenting these kids especially tricky:
The more pressure we apply, the less regulated they become.
When adults push harder—through commands, urgency, or “because I said so”—a child who is already sensitive to control feels even more threatened. Their need for autonomy intensifies, and the power struggle escalates quickly.
This is why traditional discipline strategies often backfire with these kids. What looks like “noncompliance” is actually a stress response.
What Helps Instead
Kids with a strong need for autonomy tend to do better with approaches that preserve dignity and a sense of control, such as:
- Small choices (even when the outcome stays the same)
- Collaborative or invitational language
- Warnings before transitions
- A calm, respectful tone that signals partnership rather than power
Autonomy doesn’t spoil these kids.
It settles them.
When children feel some ownership over their body and choices, their nervous system can relax enough for cooperation to emerge.
A Reframe for Parents
If this feels painfully familiar, I want you to hear this clearly:
Your child isn’t trying to be difficult.
They’re trying to feel safe, capable, and in control of themselves.
And when we understand that, everything about how we respond can shift—from constant battles to more connection, trust, and cooperation.
If you’d like support learning how to parent this kind of nervous system—without constant power struggles—I’d love to help. You don’t have to figure this out alone.
Your child isn’t broken.
And neither are you.
Warmly,
Ceara
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Have you ever noticed how something as simple as leaving the playground, turning off a tablet, or getting ready for school can spark big resistance—or even a meltdown? For many children, especially those who are highly sensitive or deeply feeling, transitions are some of the hardest moments of the day. It’s not because they’re being “difficult”—it’s because their brains and nervous systems experience change differently. The good news: once you understand why transitions are so challenging, you can respond with empathy and tools that make them easier. Here are 5 common reasons transitions are tough for your child—and what you can do to help. 1. They’re Deeply Engaged in the Moment Highly sensitive kids often immerse themselves fully in what they’re doing—whether that’s reading, building, or playing. Being asked to stop feels like being pulled out of a world they love. How to help: Give gentle warnings before the change. Try: “Five more minutes of play, then it’s time for dinner.” Using a timer or visual countdown can help them prepare. 2. Their Brains Need More Time to Shift Gears Transitions require mental flexibility, which can be harder for sensitive nervous systems. Switching from one activity to another i s like changing lanes on a crowded highway—it takes time. How to help: Use consistent signals to cue transitions, such as a special song, a picture schedule, or a fun countdown routine. 3. Transitions Can Feel Like a Loss of Control Children often feel like transitions are imposed on them. That lack of control can trigger pushback or power struggles. How to help: Offer simple choices so they feel empowered. For example: “Do you want to brush teeth first or change into pajamas first?” 4. They Anticipate Stress in the Next Activity If your child expects the next step to be boring, stressful, or less enjoyable, they may resist leaving the current activity. How to help: Empathize first: “It’s hard to stop playing, I know.” Then, ease the shift with something to look forward to: “Want to bring your toy to the car so it feels easier?” 5. Their Nervous Systems Feel Every Shift More Intensely Highly sensitive kids notice and react to even small changes in environment, energy, and routine. What feels like a tiny shift to you may feel overwhelming to them. How to help: Keep routines predictable when possible. Create comforting rituals—like a goodbye hug, a special handshake, or a silly phrase—that help anchor them during transitions. The Takeaway Transitions are about more than just moving from one activity to another—they involve emotions, expectations, and a sensitive nervous system. With empathy and small adjustments, you can turn transition battles into moments of connection. 💛 Parenting a highly sensitive child isn’t easy—but it’s also filled with opportunities to build trust, closeness, and resilience. If you’d like more guidance on making daily challenges like transitions smoother, I’d love to support you. I offer one-on-one parent coaching tailored to families raising deeply feeling kids. Schedule a free call with me here.
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