Help! My child is aggressive
For every aggressive child, there are parents struggling too—possibly with frustration, fear, shame, and confusion.
Here are 2 major mindset shifts for parents I think can really help:
1.) My child is scared (not scary)
2.) My child is doing their best
As parents, it makes sense we feel afraid when our child is aggressive. Our child looks scary. We may be afraid of them in the moment; afraid of what this behavior means for their future; afraid of the strong revenge feelings it brings out in us as parents.
But when we realize that FEAR is WHY our child is being aggressive, it is easier to see our child as a scared little person who NEEDS REASSURANCE. When we understand our child is afraid, it becomes easier to access empathy and compassion, because we can understand feeling afraid too.
The second mindset shift, my child is doing their best, reminds us that our child is not CHOOSING this behavior to make our parenting harder—they literally are not able to do better in the moment.
There are many reasons why this might happen.
--a possible mismatch in the expectations versus our child’s actual skills and developmental stage
--a skill deficit that our child is not able to express
--sensory issues
--family stressors our child is responding to
--our child isn’t feeling well
Whatever it is, our child is doing their best, even when that best looks pretty disappointing to us as parents.
You’ll notice that we haven’t talked about responding to your child yet.
That is because the first step is to get you out of the fight or flight response, which is understandable, but not helpful to your terrified child who is looking to you to be their emotional anchor.
In order to make the situation better, first we need to choose thoughts about our child and our parenting that support us. Then we can come to our scared child in a helpful way, not an inflammatory way.
