Encouraging Independence In Sensitive and Strong-Willed Kids
Ceara Deno, MD • July 15, 2025
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Encouraging Independence in Sensitive and Strong-Willed Kids
My older son started driver’s ed this week. Eeek!!
I could have sworn he’s 8 years old!
But somehow, he's actually 16!
Eeek!!
So, as I take some deep breaths this week, and manage my own anxiety, I started thinking about how we help kids become independent.
What helps kids successfully grow in independence?
What hurts?
What increases self-motivation? Self-drive?
Why do some kids struggle so much to launch successfully?
What helps kids not get bogged down in stress, anxiety, or a lack of motivation?
Science shows us that helping kids feel in charge of their own lives is a critical way parents help kids thrive, avoid anxiety, manage stress, and create self-motivation.
What does it look like to help kids feel in charge of their own lives?
How do parents help with this?
It turns out, much of this work starts with managing our own stress as parents.
Because stress is such a contagious emotion, the fear and stress we feel can be transferred to our child easily.
Which can be one reason kids struggle to launch.
So in this vein, I decided I would share 7 ways I manage my fears and anxieties as a parent.
So I can remain a “Non-anxious” presence for my children.
So I can help them thrive.
7 Ways I Practice Being a “Non-Anxious” Presence in My Children’s Lives:
#1. I practice giving my kids more control over their own lives. For example, by saying:
“It’s your call.”
“I trust you’ll make a decision that works for you.”
“What’s your plan for that?”
#2. I remind myself, “No one is more invested in my child’s life working out than they are.”
It’s not my job to make my kid’s life great. That’s their job. I just need to get out of their way.
#3. I remind myself, there are many, many paths to success in life.
Believing the path to success for my child is narrow increases my anxiety. I like to remind myself, there are infinite paths to success in life, and doing well in school is only one path.
#4. I remember that enjoying my children is my highest goal.
When I start seeing my children as problems to solve, instead of the biggest joys in my life, I know I can more support as a parent. Enjoying my kids helps me stay present.
#5. I remember that struggling is part of everyone’s journey at times.
Life is long, and full of challenges. Setbacks are part of the journey, even for our kids. So I don’t need to catastrophize when challenges arise.That’s normal and expected.
#6. I care for myself with sleep, exercise and downtime.
As a highly sensitive parent, my nervous system needs regular movement, good sleep, and time to myself, in order to not become anxious. I’m a more present, less anxious, and happier parent when I care for myself.
#7. I celebrate who my child is:
Focusing on my child’s challenges can increase my anxiety. So I like to remind myself of, and celebrate, my child’s strengths, so I can feel hopeful and optimistic about their ability to thrive.
Do these resonate for you?
What helps you remain a non-anxious presence for your child?
Is it harder as your child gets older?
As my son starts to drive, you can bet I’ll be practicing all 7 of these on the regular.
I’ll let you know which strategy helps the most.
Send me non-anxious warm wishes!!!
Struggling to be a non-anxious presence for your child? Struggling with a child who lacks motivation, or who struggles with anxiety. I get it!
If I can support you, I’d love to. Let’s talk.
Your parent coach,
Ceara
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Have you ever noticed how something as simple as leaving the playground, turning off a tablet, or getting ready for school can spark big resistance—or even a meltdown? For many children, especially those who are highly sensitive or deeply feeling, transitions are some of the hardest moments of the day. It’s not because they’re being “difficult”—it’s because their brains and nervous systems experience change differently. The good news: once you understand why transitions are so challenging, you can respond with empathy and tools that make them easier. Here are 5 common reasons transitions are tough for your child—and what you can do to help. 1. They’re Deeply Engaged in the Moment Highly sensitive kids often immerse themselves fully in what they’re doing—whether that’s reading, building, or playing. Being asked to stop feels like being pulled out of a world they love. How to help: Give gentle warnings before the change. Try: “Five more minutes of play, then it’s time for dinner.” Using a timer or visual countdown can help them prepare. 2. Their Brains Need More Time to Shift Gears Transitions require mental flexibility, which can be harder for sensitive nervous systems. Switching from one activity to another i s like changing lanes on a crowded highway—it takes time. How to help: Use consistent signals to cue transitions, such as a special song, a picture schedule, or a fun countdown routine. 3. Transitions Can Feel Like a Loss of Control Children often feel like transitions are imposed on them. That lack of control can trigger pushback or power struggles. How to help: Offer simple choices so they feel empowered. For example: “Do you want to brush teeth first or change into pajamas first?” 4. They Anticipate Stress in the Next Activity If your child expects the next step to be boring, stressful, or less enjoyable, they may resist leaving the current activity. How to help: Empathize first: “It’s hard to stop playing, I know.” Then, ease the shift with something to look forward to: “Want to bring your toy to the car so it feels easier?” 5. Their Nervous Systems Feel Every Shift More Intensely Highly sensitive kids notice and react to even small changes in environment, energy, and routine. What feels like a tiny shift to you may feel overwhelming to them. How to help: Keep routines predictable when possible. Create comforting rituals—like a goodbye hug, a special handshake, or a silly phrase—that help anchor them during transitions. The Takeaway Transitions are about more than just moving from one activity to another—they involve emotions, expectations, and a sensitive nervous system. With empathy and small adjustments, you can turn transition battles into moments of connection. 💛 Parenting a highly sensitive child isn’t easy—but it’s also filled with opportunities to build trust, closeness, and resilience. If you’d like more guidance on making daily challenges like transitions smoother, I’d love to support you. I offer one-on-one parent coaching tailored to families raising deeply feeling kids. Schedule a free call with me here.
