Why Is My Child So Mean To Me? What’s Really Going On?
Ceara Deno, MD • June 30, 2025
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Why Is My Child So Mean To Me? What’s Really Going On?
Let me share a little secret.
Sensitive kids lash out more.
They say mean things to you.
Or take frustrations out on you more.
Or take it out on their siblings.
As a parent, it can feel devastating.
Gutting.
Hopeless.
But it’s important to understand, sensitive kids are not trying to be mean.
Kids lash out because they feel vulnerable.
They feel weak.
Or overwhelmed.
Or less than.
Or powerless.
Lashing out is their best attempt to try to stop the painful feelings, and feel better.
It doesn’t excuse the behavior.
But it’s much easier to stay calm, when we understand WHY it’s happening.
If we had a magical translator app, here’s what it might say…
What They Say:
"I hate you!”
What They Mean:
"I feel totally out of control and I don’t know how to ask for help without pushing you away.”
What They Say:
"You never listen!”
What They Mean:
"I feel powerless and misunderstood, and I don’t know how to get your attention in a way that feels good.”
What They Say:
"You're the worst parent ever!”
What They Mean:
"I’m flooded with frustration and pain, and I need to know you’ll still love me even when I’m at my worst.”
What They Say:
Hits or yells at a sibling
What They Mean:
"I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have the skills yet to pause or ask for what I need.”
What They Say:
"Go away!”
What They Mean:
"I need you close, but everything feels too intense right now and I don’t know how to ask for space without losing connection.”
What They Say:
"I don’t care!”
What They Mean:
"I care so much that I’m trying to protect myself by pretending I don’t.”
Understanding what’s really going on doesn’t mean we excuse the behavior.
But the more we understand, the easier it is to stay calm. And not take it personally.
The next time your child says something that stings, pause and imagine what they might be trying to say underneath the storm.
You just might hear the deeper message:
“I'm overwhelmed. And I’m afraid you won’t find me lovable at my worst.”
You’ve got this. And I’ve got you.
Warmly,
Ceara
Parent Coach for Highly Sensitive Kids
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