Getting kids to take responsibility, and not blame us
Why won't my kid take responsibility?
Maybe you've been blamed for something that was CLEARLY your child's fault? Like, there was no possible way it had ANYTHING to do with you, and your child is blaming you....
It's possible your child is sensitive. Hear me out, and I'll explain.
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When we make a mistake, we can feel disappointed, embarrassed, and ashamed.
These are extremely uncomfortable, vulnerable emotions. No one likes to feel this way. For sensitive children, they feel all their emotions MORE INTENSELY, including these negative emotions. So the discomfort they feel from these painful feelings is very intense.
As a defense, the sensitive child covers up that vulnerable pain with anger, defensiveness, and blame. "It's all your fault," they yell. Anger is the shield we use to protect from feeling so vulnerable and powerless.
Eckhart Tolle said, “Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.”
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In the moment, it feels like our child is attacking us unfairly. We get defensive. We get angry. We want to defend ourselves. We want our child to take responsibility in the moment. Only the don't, or they won't.
What can help in these situations?
We can remember that under anger, our child is in pain.
Then, we can use empathy to connect and support.
We might say: “Wow! You must be feeling really terrible to talk to me like that. Tell me more about what’s going on for you...”
Showing our child we care about their pain opens the door to connection. It helps our child see us as a safe place. It helps our child to see that emotions are safe to have and to share. It helps our child see that we are not going to take everything they say personally.
