Handle Rudeness; Help Kids Open Up, Instead of Shut Down
Ceara Deno, MD • January 21, 2025
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Handling Rudeness
Is your child frequently mean or rude? Is it getting worse?
Is this a normal stage?
Is it just part of being a tween or teen?
Are they trying to be disrespectful?
Are they just ungrateful, or spoiled?
If you feel frustrated and unsure how to respond, you’re not alone.
But here’s the thing: kids aren’t mean and rude for the reasons we often think.
Rudeness and meanness is usually a way kids protect themselves when they feel hurt, embarrassed, or overwhelmed.
Why Kids Are Rude
Rudeness usually masks vulnerable feelings that kids don’t feel safe or able to express. Behind a sarcastic remark, an eye roll, or a snappy tone might be a child who feels:
- Hurt or insulted
- Embarrassed or ashamed
- Unseen or uncared for
- Overwhelmed or stressed
- Threatened or powerless
When kids don’t have the words or the emotional safety to share what they’re really feeling, they often lash out with behavior that looks like rudeness. It’s not about disrespect; it’s about protection.
When we help kids express and share their true feelings, even vulnerable feelings, the need for rudeness fades away.
How to Respond
The good news is that rudeness can often be softened or even eliminated by creating a safe space for kids to share their real feelings. When parents respond with empathy and curiosity instead of frustration, it helps kids move out of their defensive mode and into connection.
Here are two simple but powerful phrases you can use:
“You sound like you’re struggling, tired, stressed, or upset. How can I help?”
“You seem upset. What can I do?”
These responses show your child that you’re paying attention, you care, and you’re available to help—without shaming or punishing them for their behavior.
The Transformation
When kids feel safe sharing their vulnerable feelings, they no longer need to defend themselves with rudeness. Instead of snapping, they can say things like:
“I’m so tired.”
“I feel overwhelmed.”
“I’m upset about something.”
These moments of honesty open the door to genuine connection.
When we respond with empathy and understanding, we teach kids that their feelings are valid and manageable, and that they don’t need to hide behind rudeness.
Imagine your child saying, “I’m having a really hard day,” instead of snapping or rolling their eyes.
Final Thoughts
Rudeness is a sign that your child is struggling with something beneath the surface.
By shifting your focus from the behavior to the feelings driving it, you can help your child feel understood, valued, and supported.
Over time, this approach fosters trust and emotional resilience, creating a stronger connection between you and your child.
If you’re ready to help your child move past rudeness and find healthier ways to express themselves, I’d love to support you.
Schedule a free call with me to learn how you can transform tough moments into opportunities for growth and understanding.
There’s something I’ve been noticing lately. Parents reach out. They start the conversation. They open the door to getting support. And then… hesitation. Not because they don’t care. Not because they don’t think this could help. But because something in them says: “Maybe now’s not the right time.” If that’s you, I want you to know—this is incredibly common. And it makes so much sense. Why It Feels So Hard to Start The parents I work with are thoughtful, committed, and deeply invested in their children. They are not avoiding the problem. They are overwhelmed. They’re already carrying so much: big emotions (their child’s and their own) daily power struggles constant second-guessing the quiet worry that they’re getting it wrong So when something new enters the picture—even something supportive—it can feel like: one more thing they don’t have the capacity for. Even if part of them knows it could help. The Part No One Says Out Loud Here’s the piece that often goes unspoken: Waiting doesn’t actually reduce the overwhelm. It usually just stretches it out. The same hard moments keep happening. The same patterns keep repeating. The same end-of-day feeling returns: “I don’t want to keep doing it like this.” It’s not just the idea of change that feels exhausting. It’s the experience of being stuck. A Different Way to Think About “Starting” A lot of parents think starting means: more effort more time more pressure But that’s not actually what support is meant to feel like. Starting isn’t about suddenly having more energy. It’s about not doing this alone anymore. It’s having someone: help you think clearly again understand your child in a deeper way guide you through the moments that currently feel overwhelming hold steady when things feel hard And often, that’s where the first sense of relief comes in. Not after everything is fixed. But the moment you realize: “I don’t have to carry this by myself anymore.” You Don’t Have to Wait Until It Gets Worse There’s a belief many parents carry—quietly—that they should wait. Wait until things are more serious. Wait until they feel more ready. Wait until they have more time or energy. But support isn’t something you earn by reaching a breaking point. You’re allowed to get help: in the middle of the struggle in the middle of the uncertainty in the middle of the hard days Not just when things fall apart. If You’re In That In-Between Space If part of you is thinking: “Something needs to change…” and another part of you feels hesitant… you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re human. And you don’t have to force yourself into a big decision today. But you might gently consider this: What if starting isn’t adding more to your plate… but finally taking something off of it? A Gentle Next Step If you’ve been circling the idea of getting support—going back and forth, telling yourself “maybe later”—this is just a gentle invitation. You don’t have to wait until things get worse. You don’t have to figure it all out alone. You’re allowed to get support now. If you want to talk it through, you can always reach out or schedule a call. No pressure—just a conversation about what might actually help. 🤍
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