Defiant and difficult: the kids who *HATE* being told what to do
For some kids, being told what to do is the ABSOLUTE WORST
Do you have a kid who *HATES* being told what to do?
Who refuses to cooperate with even MINOR requests?
Who won’t do anything unless it's HER idea?
We call these kids STRONG-WILLED.
What few parents realize, however, is the huge amount of overlap between sensitive and strong-willed kids.
What few parents realize is that when sensitive kids are upset or stressed, they become incredibly STRONG-WILLED as a defense mechanism.
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When I was 9, my family took a trip to Disney with a group of relatives. One morning, the kids wore matching Disney shirts for a photo. In the picture, we are happily beaming wearing our matching shirts—except my sister, who is around 4 years old, wearing a different shirt and looking absolutely furious.
Even as a 4 year old, my sister was not going to be controlled by someone else’s agenda, or the need for social conformity. This is a strong-willed kid--one with a strong need for autonomy who will not easily bend to authority.
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Most humans dislike being told what to do. That’s pretty normal. When we don’t have control, we feel powerless, unheard, unseen, unvalued.
For some kids, this feels unpleasant. But for other kids, it feels like death. It’s completely unbearable.
Maybe you have a kid like this. Maybe you know how really, really challenging this becomes.
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Sensitive kids are often rigid, inflexible, defiant and stubborn when pressured. They dig in their heels. They’re persistent. Insistent. Intense. Determined. Dogged.
If you have a kid like this, it can be a MAJOR PAIN IN THE YOU-KNOW-WHAT this can be when you are simply trying to get through the week.
Sensitive kids become defiant and difficult as a defense because:
*they want to feel safe in a world that so often feels overwhelming and overstimulating
*they cling to their comfort zone, since they struggle so much with unknowns, newness or change
*they refuse to try new things so they won't possibly "fail"--since their harsh inner critic defines anything less than perfection as "failure"
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What happens when our sensitive kid becomes defiant when we’ve asked them to do something? We dig our heels in, too.
We apply pressure. We explain why they have no choice. We explain why we're right (and they're wrong).
We use logic to explain our perspective. We use threats to increase our authority. Unfortunately, none of these are likely to help our child be more cooperative and flexible.
Applying pressure will actually make a strong-willed or sensitive kid dig in their heels more.
How do we change this? How do we create cooperation and flexibility?
We become more relationship-focused. We become curious. We tackle the problem like a team. We create connection. We use playfulness and lessen up on control. We stop caring so much about compliance and obedience--and we start caring about understanding and compassion.
If this resonates, if you have a strong-willed or sensitive child and you’d love to see more cooperation and flexibility in them, schedule a free call with me by clicking the link below. In the call, you will get clarity on how to create a more harmonious, peaceful home with your strong-willed or sensitive kid.
