Defiant and difficult: the kids who *HATE* being told what to do

Ceara Deno, MD • June 23, 2023
Schedule A Free Call

For some kids, being told what to do is the ABSOLUTE WORST

Do you have a kid who *HATES* being told what to do? 

Who refuses to cooperate with even MINOR requests? 

Who won’t do anything unless it's HER idea?


We call these kids STRONG-WILLED. 


What few parents realize, however, is the huge amount of overlap between sensitive and strong-willed kids.  What few parents realize is that when sensitive kids are upset or stressed, they become incredibly STRONG-WILLED as a defense mechanism. 


****


When I was 9, my family took a trip to Disney with a group of relatives. One morning, the kids wore matching Disney shirts for a photo. In the picture, we are happily beaming wearing our matching shirts—except my sister, who is around 4 years old, wearing a different shirt and looking absolutely furious. 


Even as a 4 year old, my sister was not going to be controlled by someone else’s agenda, or the need for social conformity. This is a strong-willed kid--one with a strong need for autonomy who will not easily bend to authority. 


****


Most humans dislike being told what to do. That’s pretty normal. When we don’t have control, we feel powerless, unheard, unseen, unvalued. 


For some kids, this feels unpleasant. But for other kids, it feels like death. It’s completely unbearable. 


Maybe you have a kid like this. Maybe you know how really, really challenging this becomes. 


****


Sensitive kids are often rigid, inflexible, defiant and stubborn when pressured. They dig in their heels. They’re persistent. Insistent.  Intense.  Determined.  Dogged. 


If you have a kid like this, it can be a MAJOR PAIN IN THE YOU-KNOW-WHAT this can be when you are simply trying to get through the week. 



Sensitive kids become defiant and difficult as a defense because: 


*they want to feel safe in a world that so often feels overwhelming and overstimulating


*they cling to their comfort zone, since they struggle so much with unknowns, newness or change


*they refuse to try new things so they won't possibly "fail"--since their harsh inner critic defines anything less than perfection as "failure"


****


What happens when our sensitive kid becomes defiant when we’ve asked them to do something?   We dig our heels in, too.


We apply pressure. We explain why they have no choice. We explain why we're right (and they're wrong). 

We use logic to explain our perspective. We use threats to increase our authority. Unfortunately, none of these are likely to help our child be more cooperative and flexible. 


Applying pressure will actually make a strong-willed or sensitive kid dig in their heels more. 

How do we change this? How do we create cooperation and flexibility? 


We become more relationship-focused. We become curious. We tackle the problem like a team. We create connection. We use playfulness and lessen up on control. We stop caring so much about compliance and obedience--and we start caring about understanding and compassion. 


If this resonates, if you have a strong-willed or sensitive child and you’d love to see more cooperation and flexibility in them, schedule a free call with me by clicking the link below.  In the call, you will get clarity on how to create a more harmonious, peaceful home with your strong-willed or sensitive kid. 


Click here to a consultation




By Ceara Deno, MD September 8, 2025
Learn how to support your anxious or sensitive child without pushing, rescuing, or power struggles. Discover practical tips to help them build confidence and face challenges with courage.
Silhouetted group of people with arms raised at sunset.
By Ceara Deno, MD August 18, 2025
Parenting a defiant child, explosive tween, or argumentative teen? Discover 6 powerful success stories of families who went from daily battles to harmony with parent coaching.
By Ceara Deno, MD August 12, 2025
Get answers to the most common questions about my upcoming group coaching program for parents of highly sensitive kids. Learn how it works, who it's for, and how it can transform your home life.
By Ceara Deno, MD August 5, 2025
Struggling with your child’s big emotions and constant meltdowns? Join our fall group coaching program for parents of sensitive or strong-willed kids ages 5–12. Learn peaceful parenting strategies that really work.
By Ceara Deno, MD July 15, 2025
Science shows that helping kids feel in charge of their own lives is a critical way parents help kids thrive, and this starts with parents managing their own stress and anxiety.
Let me share a little secret: sensitive kids lash out more.They say mean things, or shove their si.
By Ceara Deno, MD June 30, 2025
Why do sensitive kids lash out? As a parent, this can feel devastating and hopeless. But it’s important to understand, sensitive kids are not trying to be mean, they’re doing the best they can. Understanding why kids are mean is the first step to preventing this behavior.
By Ceara Deno, MD June 11, 2025
I f you are the parent of a highly sensitive or strong-willed kid, stuck in constant power struggles, meltdowns, or angry outbursts, I’d like to share something with you. This is my method how I transform families. I’d like to share exactly how I take families from constant power struggles and meltdowns, to peace, harmony and connection . In only 12 weeks. Working one-on-one with parents. Via weekly Zoom calls. Here is What I Do: Step #1 : We transform your listening, so your child learns how to listen more respectfully to you, too. Step #2 : We strengthen self-empathy & self-compassion, so you feel connected, confident, and joyful as a parent. Step #3 : We stop patterns leading to big explosions and dysregulation. This means your child has fewer meltdowns, and you can actually enjoy your child, and stop walking on eggshells. Step #4 : We teach you how to set boundaries peacefully, so your child behaves better, listens more, and argues less. Step #5 : We stop sibling fighting, so your children get along better, and you don’t need to constantly referee fights. Step #6 : We focus on communicating differently, so your kid is more open to feedback and correction, and less likely to shut down, lash out, or become defensive. Step #7 : We learn how sensory challenges and your child’s high sensitivity might be creating challenging behaviors--so we can make life easier for you both. Step #8 : We get you and your partner on the same page, so you can stop disagreeing about parenting and start supporting one another. Step #9 : We celebrate your child’s unique personality, so you can enjoy your child, and stop feeling stressed, anxious or fearful about their future. Step #10 : We focus on your needs as a parent, so you feel less stressed, more calm, and joyful. So then what? What happens next? How will you feel? First, you will feel calmer. More confident. You’ll enjoy your child more. You’ll see your child in a more positive, hopeful way. You’ll connect better. Your child will listen more. Behave better. Have fewer meltdowns or big emotional explosions. You’ll notice your child using words to express their emotions and needs in healthier ways. You and your child will both feel less reactive, less bothered by little issues, and more able to find joy and connection. If you have a partner, the two of you will feel more like a supportive parenting team, and less likely to feel criticized, blamed, or judged for your parenting. You’ll have a shared vision and goal in parenting, and understand how to support each other better. You’ll feel more confident setting peaceful limits, and your children will be better able to hear you say no and tolerate the feelings that come with that. You will be able to go places that you might not have taken your child in the past, for fear of what might happen. If you have multiple children, they will fight less, get along better, and learn how to handle conflict between themselves more. If you are highly sensitive, you will better understand how to support your own needs as a parent, so you are less likely to feel overwhelmed and overstimulated, and more likely to feel energized and at peace. If your child is highly sensitive, you’ll better understand how to create a life that supports your child’s unique needs, and know how to make life function better for everyone. ******* If you are ready for support with your highly sensitive or strong-willed child’s big emotions or power struggles, you don’t have to do this alone. Let’s chat, and I can share more about how I can help create harmony. Schedule a free call with me today.
By Ceara Deno, MD June 3, 2025
Many common challenges parents face with children misbehaving or being oppositional are actually signs of hidden sensory issues. This includes challenges like meltdowns, picky eating, hyperactivity, and resistance to hygiene—these can all be signs of hidden sensory issues. Discover practical ways parents can support their child’s sensory needs with empathy and simple accommodations.
By Ceara Deno, MD May 28, 2025
Discover 5 common struggles empath parents face and how to turn your deep sensitivity into your greatest parenting strength. Includes a free support call offer.
By Ceara Deno, MD May 19, 2025
These are the parenting ideas that help me to show up when life is messy. I call them my parenting mantras. How did I come up with these? They arise from my experience as a mom for 16 years; my experience helping parents create peace and connection as a parent coach for 8 years; and my experience helping parents of NICU babies handle new parenthood and a child’s health crisis as a pediatrician in the NICU for 20 years. These mantras that have helped me through my own struggles, and I think they can help you as you navigate parenting struggles, and seek to create a more peaceful, connected home as well.
More Posts