The REAL Reason Kids are Argumentative & Defiant
Ceara Deno, MD • April 10, 2025
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The REAL Reason Kids Are Argumentative & Defiant
Do you have an argumentative
or defiant
kid? Many of the families I coach do.
See whether this sounds familiar:
Kai* (not actual name), age 8, is an argumentative kid.
Since he was little, Kai needs to be in control.
The minute his parents gently try to ask anything of him, he becomes resistant and defiant.
He resists even small requests.
He refuses to go outside his comfort zone.
When he's disappointed or embarrassed, he meltsdown.
When he meltdown, he blame his parents.
He argues. Or runs away. Or yells.
Despite their best attempts to stay calm, his parents lose their temper. Mostly, they worry about him:
Will he be OK?
How will he tolerate the stress of the real world?
How will he be successful as an adult?
How can they help him?
What’s going on? What’s “wrong” with Kai?
Why is he so rigid?
Why won’t he accept responsibility when he’s wrong?
Why won’t he go outside his comfort zone?
Why won’t he comply with small requests?
Analysis:
Kai is typical of kids with a more sensitive/anxious temperament. For these kids, life feels overwhelming and out of control most of the time. They feel unsafe, so they dig in their heels to exert control any way they can.
They’re not trying to be difficult.
They’re just trying to feel safe.
What looks like defiance and stubbornness is actually fear.
These kids fear that if they are not in control, the world will be too overwhelming.
Understanding where this behavior comes from can help us be more empathetic.
These kids don’t want to be difficult. They just want to feel safe.
We help to de-escalate conflict when we:
Model cooperation and peacefulness
Use humor and play to increase connection and safety
Walk away instead of fighting
Choose our battles
The more we understand about challenging behavior, the less we have to take it personally.
It’s easier to stay calm.
It’s easier to create peace and harmony.
There is hope.
You CAN have a more peaceful, connected home.
I’d love to help. Schedule a free 30 minute call with me today.
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