The REAL Reason Kids are Argumentative & Defiant
Ceara Deno, MD • April 10, 2025
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The REAL Reason Kids Are Argumentative & Defiant
Do you have an argumentative
or defiant
kid? Many of the families I coach do.
See whether this sounds familiar:
Kai* (not actual name), age 8, is an argumentative kid.
Since he was little, Kai needs to be in control.
The minute his parents gently try to ask anything of him, he becomes resistant and defiant.
He resists even small requests.
He refuses to go outside his comfort zone.
When he's disappointed or embarrassed, he meltsdown.
When he meltdown, he blame his parents.
He argues. Or runs away. Or yells.
Despite their best attempts to stay calm, his parents lose their temper. Mostly, they worry about him:
Will he be OK?
How will he tolerate the stress of the real world?
How will he be successful as an adult?
How can they help him?
What’s going on? What’s “wrong” with Kai?
Why is he so rigid?
Why won’t he accept responsibility when he’s wrong?
Why won’t he go outside his comfort zone?
Why won’t he comply with small requests?
Analysis:
Kai is typical of kids with a more sensitive/anxious temperament. For these kids, life feels overwhelming and out of control most of the time. They feel unsafe, so they dig in their heels to exert control any way they can.
They’re not trying to be difficult.
They’re just trying to feel safe.
What looks like defiance and stubbornness is actually fear.
These kids fear that if they are not in control, the world will be too overwhelming.
Understanding where this behavior comes from can help us be more empathetic.
These kids don’t want to be difficult. They just want to feel safe.
We help to de-escalate conflict when we:
Model cooperation and peacefulness
Use humor and play to increase connection and safety
Walk away instead of fighting
Choose our battles
The more we understand about challenging behavior, the less we have to take it personally.
It’s easier to stay calm.
It’s easier to create peace and harmony.
There is hope.
You CAN have a more peaceful, connected home.
I’d love to help. Schedule a free 30 minute call with me today.
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Have you ever noticed how something as simple as leaving the playground, turning off a tablet, or getting ready for school can spark big resistance—or even a meltdown? For many children, especially those who are highly sensitive or deeply feeling, transitions are some of the hardest moments of the day. It’s not because they’re being “difficult”—it’s because their brains and nervous systems experience change differently. The good news: once you understand why transitions are so challenging, you can respond with empathy and tools that make them easier. Here are 5 common reasons transitions are tough for your child—and what you can do to help. 1. They’re Deeply Engaged in the Moment Highly sensitive kids often immerse themselves fully in what they’re doing—whether that’s reading, building, or playing. Being asked to stop feels like being pulled out of a world they love. How to help: Give gentle warnings before the change. Try: “Five more minutes of play, then it’s time for dinner.” Using a timer or visual countdown can help them prepare. 2. Their Brains Need More Time to Shift Gears Transitions require mental flexibility, which can be harder for sensitive nervous systems. Switching from one activity to another i s like changing lanes on a crowded highway—it takes time. How to help: Use consistent signals to cue transitions, such as a special song, a picture schedule, or a fun countdown routine. 3. Transitions Can Feel Like a Loss of Control Children often feel like transitions are imposed on them. That lack of control can trigger pushback or power struggles. How to help: Offer simple choices so they feel empowered. For example: “Do you want to brush teeth first or change into pajamas first?” 4. They Anticipate Stress in the Next Activity If your child expects the next step to be boring, stressful, or less enjoyable, they may resist leaving the current activity. How to help: Empathize first: “It’s hard to stop playing, I know.” Then, ease the shift with something to look forward to: “Want to bring your toy to the car so it feels easier?” 5. Their Nervous Systems Feel Every Shift More Intensely Highly sensitive kids notice and react to even small changes in environment, energy, and routine. What feels like a tiny shift to you may feel overwhelming to them. How to help: Keep routines predictable when possible. Create comforting rituals—like a goodbye hug, a special handshake, or a silly phrase—that help anchor them during transitions. The Takeaway Transitions are about more than just moving from one activity to another—they involve emotions, expectations, and a sensitive nervous system. With empathy and small adjustments, you can turn transition battles into moments of connection. 💛 Parenting a highly sensitive child isn’t easy—but it’s also filled with opportunities to build trust, closeness, and resilience. If you’d like more guidance on making daily challenges like transitions smoother, I’d love to support you. I offer one-on-one parent coaching tailored to families raising deeply feeling kids. Schedule a free call with me here.
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