The darker side of parenting; fractured relationships

Today I want to talk about a darker side of parenting: when a fractured parent-child relationship starts in childhood and gets worse in adulthood.

************

Do you know an adult who has limited contact with a parent because of a painful relationship starting in childhood? 

Perhaps you are you an adult who has limited contact with a parent due to a painful relationship? 

It's also possible you are an adult who has spent long, painful years struggling with the hurt feelings caused by a painful relationship with your parent.  A painful relationship that had it's roots in childhood experiences. 

***************

Caveat:

Your parents did the best they knew parenting you. 

If we asked them, they would likely say everything they did and didn’t do due to their deepest, unconditional love for you. 

This is likely a fact. 

But as a child, you do not know this.  You are not inside your parent's head when you have conflict.

As a child, all you can see is how your parent reacts to and treats you. 

As Alfie Kohn says in “Unconditional Parenting,” “How we feel about our kids isn’t as important as how they experience those feelings and how they regard the way we treat them.”

******************

This is why, when we punish children, although our motivations may be loving, our children may feel that we have stopped loving them. 

This is why, when we make it clear that we are only proud and supportive of our children when their behavior makes us look good as parents, then they may grow to feel that their true self is flawed/unworthy of love. 

This is why, when we greet our children with criticisms, they may feel that their true self is unacceptable. 

The important factor then becomes NOT whether we feel unconditional love for our children. We do. That is a given.

The important thing becomes that our children FEEL that we love them unconditionally. 

******************

If you are an adult who has a fractured relationship with your adult parent, I send you love and support. These relationships are not easy, and they cause years of pain and self-doubt. 

When you become a parent yourself, you may seek to do things differently than how you were parented. You may need help dealing with the baggage from your childhood, and how you felt about how you were treated.  

It is entirely possible to heal from your past and build healthier relationships with your own children. Parents do it every day, and they and their children benefit with healthy, connected relationships into adulthood. 

It reminds me of the poet Maya Angelou’s quote: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” 

Let's remember to make sure our children feel the love we feel for them in our hearts.