If this is peaceful parenting, why am I still so ANGRY??
If this is peaceful parenting, why am I still so ANGRY?
Peaceful parents sometimes wonder: how can I still feel SO ANGRY?
Wasn't this all supposed to be so peaceful??
Surely I must be doing SOMETHING WRONG to feel like this. I thought it was supposed to be all Zen and unicorns.
Do not worry. It happens to the even most peaceful parent sometimes.
So what is a peaceful parent to do??
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I've found the most helpful way to envision my anger is as an UNMET NEED.
And instead of trying to fight the anger, I look for the LESSONS OF THE ANGER. In this way, my anger is a GIFT showing me what I need to change in my life. And the stronger the anger, the more important the message it has for me about what needs to change.
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1.) Anger reflects an unmet need:
All of us have needs--things we NEED to make our lives wonderful. These may be physical things like rest and nutrition-- and emotional needs like autonomy and community. So when we feel anger as a parent, we can look under the anger to the unmet need/s. And once we identify the need, what is the underlying "limiting belief" around that need.
A.) Example #1: I'm angry that my spouse never gets up with the baby.
UNMET NEEDS: Rest, support
LIMITING BELIEF: A good mother never asks for help.
As long as I believe this storyline--a good mother never asks for help--I am stuck in a self-perpetuating trap of suffering. In order to have the wonderful life I deserve, I will need to shift this to a different, more supportive belief. Perhaps my supportive belief will be: "A good mother knows that asking for help is a sign of strength," or something else that resonates for me personally.
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B.) Example #2: I'm angry that I'm constantly picking up after other people.
UNMET NEEDS: Contribution by others/tidiness
LIMITING BELIEFS: No one ever listens to me; I have to do everything alone.
In this case, I have a genuine need for others to contribute to making the house tidy. However, the limiting belief--I am not listened to by my or supported--is why I feel trapped around this issue. A different, supportive belief could be: "I can ask for and receive help keeping the house clean."
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2.) Limiting beliefs are the stories in our head that trap us in a victim mindset.
Limiting beliefs sound like: I'm all alone. I'm failing. No one ever listens to me.
As a mom, the limiting beliefs may be: A good mother would not need help. If I admit to feeling overwhelmed, it means I'm failing as a mom. If I want a break from my kids, it means I'm not cut out for this.
The important point is that LIMITING BELIEFS ARE NOT TRUE.
These are storylines that are preventing you from asking for and seeking out the WONDERFUL LIFE YOU DESERVE.
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3.) So now what?
Your anger is a roadmap to your unmet needs and limiting beliefs. The stronger the anger, the larger the unmet needs and underlying beliefs. And the bigger the reward when you solve this challenge.
So pay attention to your anger. Figuring out the lessons of your anger is the key to living that WONDERFUL LIFE YOU DESERVE.
A.) Meet your own needs. Figure out which needs you are not getting met, and meet them. Maybe you need to make changes in your life in order to get your needs met. That's great! The tragedy would be spending the rest of your life confused about why you feel so angry and trapped, and not changing what needs to be changed.
B.) Make more direct requests. Other people are so busy inside their own heads, they are not going to figure out what you need and give it to you--so you need to ask. Directly. It doesn't mean they are going to always say YES, but you would be surprised how often they will.
C.) Ask for help shifting limiting beliefs. What would it feel like if the voices in your head were 100% supportive and empowering? What would it feel like to ask for and get the help you need? What would it feel like to believe you were enough as a parent? A parent coach can help you identify your limiting beliefs, and then shift them and identify new, supportive beliefs.
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So now you know. Peaceful parents get angry too. But instead of trying to ignore it, they understand that the WONDERFUL LIFE THEY DESERVE lies beyond the anger, once they can identify the lessons that are underlying it.
It may not be easy to figure out, but it is totally worth it. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Parent coaches know that wonderful parents get angry. The trick is finding the gift in the anger, and using it to create that wonderful life you deserve.
