I'm not a liar! How nonviolent communication changed my life and parenting

Are you using Nonviolent Communication (NVC)? 

Don’t worry if you’ve never heard of it. It was new to me, too, until I got my parent coach certification.  

But this one, simple concept has completely transformed how I see the world, both as a parent and a human being.

NVC is a way of communicating that seeks to further compassion and understanding, instead of judgement and violence. It means communicating with honest, empathy, and from the heart. 

I thought I was already doing that, but it turns out I wasn’t. 

There are three steps. 

First, I seek to understand the feelings and needs the other person is having UNDER the words they are using.  

Most of us, and especially women, were raised not to express real feelings directly and not to make direct requests of others. Therefore, we often speak in a kind of code, hoping futilely that others will uncode what we are realing feeling and needing.  

Second, I listen deeply to my own feelings and needs in the situation.  

Third, I share honestly with the other person about my feelings and make a direct request. 

Sounds simple? It is, and it isn’t.

Let me give you an example.  

Imagine I am in a disagreement with someone. Perhaps they even yell at me: “You’re a liar!” 

Before NVC, I would have thought, “This person is full of sh*t! I am not a liar!”  

I would have felt defensive and told the other person off, or avoided them going forward. We would have been at a communication standstill.

With NVC, I look UNDERNEATH their actual words to what feelings and needs the other person might be having. 

I might say: “I see you are really angry with me, because you feel like I haven’t been completely honest with you.”

Then I would admit to myself honestly how I felt, and what I am really needing from this person going forward. 

So I might say: “I feel really attacked when you called me a liar, because I work very hard to be honest.” Then I might say, “Would you be willing to apologize for saying that?” 

This change in communication is both very difficult and very easy to make. It is difficult, because it goes against a lot of how we have been taught to communicate, and we fear that being vulnerable in this way will open us up to attack, or at least make us appear weak against an adversary. 

However, in reality, sharing our real feelings increases our chances of being understood, and increases the chances the other person will be compassionate towards us.  

Finally, making a direct request is the ultimate way to get what we want going forward, and strengthens the relationship, rather than weakening it.  

In a later blog post, I will talk more about how this simple communication shift has changed my life and parenting.  

For now, I simply ask you to listen for what feelings and needs are UNDER what people are saying to you. When we tune into the unspoken feelings and needs, we take the first step to turning towards compassion and away from judgment.