It looks like listening without trying to change their feelings
So many parents struggle to connect peacefully with their teenage son or daughter.
This can be SO PAINFUL. For both the parent and the child.
Teenage years, with their increased emotionality, can be REALLY CHALLENGING.
One quick mindset shift is to change your thoughts from: “My child is GIVING me a hard time,” to: “My child is HAVING a hard time.”
Understanding that your child is struggling may lessen any negative judgments you have about your child. It may help you to feel more compassionate and empathetic towards them. Remembering that what LOOKS LIKE your child’s anger is often HIDDEN PAIN covered up also can help us feel more empathetic.
The truth is that teens often have intense negative emotions. As a loving, well-meaning parent, we hate to see our child in pain. Trying to be helpful, we may try to problem-solve away our child’s feelings. “It’s going to be OK,” we say. “It’s not that bad,” we say.
But trying to problem-solve feelings away comes across as emotional invalidation—a message to our child that their feelings are “wrong.” Our child will often become more defensive in response.
Instead, we can use EMOTIONAL VALIDATION: acknowledging that our child has a right to whatever they are feeling.
This looks like: Listening without trying to change our child’s feelings. We can simply nod, or say, “Wow!” “Of course you were upset.” “I would have been angry too.” “That makes sense why you feel that way.”
This doesn’t mean that we agree, or feel the same as our child. It simply is acknowledging that our child has a right to their feelings: their feelings “make sense” based on our child’s unique point of view and life experience.
In response to emotional validation, our child feels more understood, less alone, less defensive and more at peace. They will be more open to our point of view. A closer emotional connection between the two of you can grow.
Struggling to connect peacefully with your teen? Let’s schedule a time to chat, and get you the best strategies and support so you can connect better and enjoy closeness with your child again.
