Chase did not want to go to bed.
"Just one more minute, Dad," Chase pleaded for the 12th time.
He was playing Minecraft online with his older brother and his friend. Where normally the older boys excluded Chase, tonight they were actually letting him play, and he felt proud and happy and grown up.
His father had tried being patient, but it was late. Really late. This time when he told Chase it was bedtime, he physically took the iPad away.
"I hate you!" Chase exploded, choking back tears, and stomping off to his bedroom and slamming the door.
Chase's father Jack could feel a tremendous pressure in his ears. He fought the urge to lash out at his son for his defiance. Jack took a minute to cool off. Or maybe two, or three. He vented to his partner about what had happened. He gave himself some empathy--wtf was wrong with his son?!
Then Jack thought about his son's perspective.
What was it like to be the youngest? What was it like to always go to bed when the older kids got to stay up late? Was this all about FOMO? Mindy Kaling wrote "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?" Well, in Chase's case, they WERE hanging out without him, and Chase knew it.
Did his son feel embarrassed and powerless, being the youngest and frequently excluded? Finally, this one time when he was allowed to play, he was being made to stop, pointing out again how small and powerless he really was. Was he frustrated that he was doing so well in the game and he would "lose all his stuff" if he quit now?
Jack could feel some of his anger and frustration melt away as he thought about his son's perspective. He started to feel a tiny bit of patience and empathy growing where a minute before had just been anger. He was beginning to see why this might be a really big deal to his son.
Father and son were able to talk and repair the rupture. In the end, Chase went to bed happily, cooperatively, reconnected with his father. But it almost didn't happen this way. Without seeing Chase's perspective, Jack's instinct to lash out at his son would have resulted in a bigger fight, and a bigger rupture in the relationship.
Taking our child's perspective is one of the MOST POWERFUL tools parents have. It is deceptively simple, and yet deceptively hard when we are angry, or feel disrespected.
When we are able to see our child's perspective in the heat of the moment, it makes us more patient, it makes our children more cooperative, and it decreases conflict. And who wouldn't want that?
